I shall catch my brain unawares.
And actually manage to write something that makes sense.
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5 years ago
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Something to do with guilt
The other day after watching an episode of The Mentalist and Lie to Me back to back, I realized two things: one of them is a really shitty show and it's not the one you think - no, the other one actually.
Second, if I were to actually end up in a situation where I was being questioned by gentlemen of such extraordinary bullshit-detecting voodoo, I would immediately start snickering like a nervous hottie who'd just discovered the smell of her farts is not entirely unpleasant (and realizes she must take this knowledge to her grave). How this will happen will be made clear soon enough. Why it will happen is because somewhere in the recesses of my brain, one of the nooks happens to be a lounge full of clowns.
Now, whether you believe that deception experts exist or that your thoughts can be read by a man who emotes about as well as a coked-out sock puppet,
there is no disputing that experienced enforcers of the law are fairly good at sensing when verbal poo is being chucked at them from behind the (apparent) safety of a poker-face which wouldn't fool our aforementioned sock puppet.
Which brings us, inevitably, to my predicament. Those who know me know that if accused of assassinating the president with a blunderbuss while riding an elephant down the middle of the constitution avenue - a far-fetched situation as you can see (but not as much as you think!!!! ...) - I would immediately start blushing like a boy who'd been asked out by a high-class tranny. It's a reaction I have very little control over.
And so, were I ever implicated in 'Murder by Blunderbuss' and brought in for questioning, this is what would happen. First, the internal dialogue:
"We didn't do it, of course."
"Of course not ... but wouldn't it be-"
"No. NO."
"Seriously, why can't-"
"No."
"But it's awesome!!"
"For fuck's sake NO!"
"Fine. So we're innocent. We should smile and show how relaxed we are."
"Actually, we should just keep a straight face to make them see we realize the gravity-"
"The awesomeness"
"The GRAVITY ... of the situation and that we're going to cooperate."
"But wouldn't that implicate us further?!"
"We're innocent you retard"
"Haa haa we're a retard!"
"...."
"Oho! This one looks menacing."
"Does anybody even use that word anymore?!"
Detective (intruding upon inner peace): So Mr. Giggle-shits, where were you that afternoon when this masterpiece of absurdity occured?
"I vote we should act gay, start giggling like we got kicked in the nuts by a kung-fu midget and plead insanity"
".... Sounds like a plan"
Glorious, gleeful madness ensues.
P.S I've been reading too many cracked articles and I worry about we.
P.P.S The next post will have NO hyperbole. NO, i say.
Second, if I were to actually end up in a situation where I was being questioned by gentlemen of such extraordinary bullshit-detecting voodoo, I would immediately start snickering like a nervous hottie who'd just discovered the smell of her farts is not entirely unpleasant (and realizes she must take this knowledge to her grave). How this will happen will be made clear soon enough. Why it will happen is because somewhere in the recesses of my brain, one of the nooks happens to be a lounge full of clowns.
Now, whether you believe that deception experts exist or that your thoughts can be read by a man who emotes about as well as a coked-out sock puppet,
there is no disputing that experienced enforcers of the law are fairly good at sensing when verbal poo is being chucked at them from behind the (apparent) safety of a poker-face which wouldn't fool our aforementioned sock puppet.
Which brings us, inevitably, to my predicament. Those who know me know that if accused of assassinating the president with a blunderbuss while riding an elephant down the middle of the constitution avenue - a far-fetched situation as you can see (but not as much as you think!!!! ...) - I would immediately start blushing like a boy who'd been asked out by a high-class tranny. It's a reaction I have very little control over.And so, were I ever implicated in 'Murder by Blunderbuss' and brought in for questioning, this is what would happen. First, the internal dialogue:
"We didn't do it, of course."
"Of course not ... but wouldn't it be-"
"No. NO."
"Seriously, why can't-"
"No."
"But it's awesome!!"
"For fuck's sake NO!"
"Fine. So we're innocent. We should smile and show how relaxed we are."
"Actually, we should just keep a straight face to make them see we realize the gravity-"
"The awesomeness"
"The GRAVITY ... of the situation and that we're going to cooperate."
"But wouldn't that implicate us further?!"
"We're innocent you retard"
"Haa haa we're a retard!"
"...."
"Oho! This one looks menacing."
"Does anybody even use that word anymore?!"
Detective (intruding upon inner peace): So Mr. Giggle-shits, where were you that afternoon when this masterpiece of absurdity occured?
"I vote we should act gay, start giggling like we got kicked in the nuts by a kung-fu midget and plead insanity"
".... Sounds like a plan"
Glorious, gleeful madness ensues.
P.S I've been reading too many cracked articles and I worry about we.
P.P.S The next post will have NO hyperbole. NO, i say.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
En Garde!
A quick look at the Memory Halls of Infinite Sorrow and Little Amusement reveals that my gentle readers would expect this to be the long-expected super-intellectual discourse (to the brain-exponent 10 no less!) on dialectic(s). You would be wrong. Yes, you! (The birdies can now be assumed to have moved past the advanced stages of rigor mortis and to be resting peacefully) But you would also be just a little bit right.
You see I have decided, as in all other areas of my life, to make this easy for myself. And why?! I ask you why not?!! And i shake my fist at you! You fools! .... Fools. Yes, so. I shall instead do it in parts.
As a start, a simple question: if you have two equally well-reasoned, rational, cogent and compelling arguments - naturally at odds with each other - what makes a narcissistic, faux-intellectual, smart, witty what have you likeyourselves ourselves decide between the two? What tips the scales as it were? Is it reason? Emotion? A life-time exposed to the idea that the rise of the machines will be awesome?! Mommy not giving ice-cream when you really wanted it at 13?!!
Let's get the comments buzzing people! A little need for validation never hurt anybody. Yeah? What's that? You say Nazi Germany just wanted love and attention too?! Damn you! Godwin's Law was uncalled for!
...
And so, the next time i do this, whenever that is, I'll try and take it from here. Here's to hoping I do and that i don't just resort to saying something buffoonish and memetic.
You see I have decided, as in all other areas of my life, to make this easy for myself. And why?! I ask you why not?!! And i shake my fist at you! You fools! .... Fools. Yes, so. I shall instead do it in parts.
As a start, a simple question: if you have two equally well-reasoned, rational, cogent and compelling arguments - naturally at odds with each other - what makes a narcissistic, faux-intellectual, smart, witty what have you like
Let's get the comments buzzing people! A little need for validation never hurt anybody. Yeah? What's that? You say Nazi Germany just wanted love and attention too?! Damn you! Godwin's Law was uncalled for!
...
And so, the next time i do this, whenever that is, I'll try and take it from here. Here's to hoping I do and that i don't just resort to saying something buffoonish and memetic.
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