Something to do with guilt

The other day after watching an episode of The Mentalist and Lie to Me back to back, I realized two things: one of them is a really shitty show and it's not the one you think - no, the other one actually.

Second, if I were to actually end up in a situation where I was being questioned by gentlemen of such extraordinary bullshit-detecting voodoo, I would immediately start snickering like a nervous hottie who'd just discovered the smell of her farts is not entirely unpleasant (and realizes she must take this knowledge to her grave). How this will happen will be made clear soon enough. Why it will happen is because somewhere in the recesses of my brain, one of the nooks happens to be a lounge full of clowns.

Now, whether you believe that deception experts exist or that your thoughts can be read by a man who emotes about as well as a coked-out sock puppet,

there is no disputing that experienced enforcers of the law are fairly good at sensing when verbal poo is being chucked at them from behind the (apparent) safety of a poker-face which wouldn't fool our aforementioned sock puppet.

Which brings us, inevitably, to my predicament. Those who know me know that if accused of assassinating the president with a blunderbuss while riding an elephant down the middle of the constitution avenue - a far-fetched situation as you can see (but not as much as you think!!!! ...) - I would immediately start blushing like a boy who'd been asked out by a high-class tranny. It's a reaction I have very little control over.

And so, were I ever implicated in 'Murder by Blunderbuss' and brought in for questioning, this is what would happen. First, the internal dialogue:

"We didn't do it, of course."
"Of course not ... but wouldn't it be-"
"No. NO."
"Seriously, why can't-"
"No."
"But it's awesome!!"
"For fuck's sake NO!"
"Fine. So we're innocent. We should smile and show how relaxed we are."
"Actually, we should just keep a straight face to make them see we realize the gravity-"
"The awesomeness"
"The GRAVITY ... of the situation and that we're going to cooperate."
"But wouldn't that implicate us further?!"
"We're innocent you retard"
"Haa haa we're a retard!"
"...."
"Oho! This one looks menacing."
"Does anybody even use that word anymore?!"

Detective (intruding upon inner peace): So Mr. Giggle-shits, where were you that afternoon when this masterpiece of absurdity occured?

"I vote we should act gay, start giggling like we got kicked in the nuts by a kung-fu midget and plead insanity"
".... Sounds like a plan"

Glorious, gleeful madness ensues.

P.S I've been reading too many cracked articles and I worry about we.

P.P.S The next post will have NO hyperbole. NO, i say.